One thing I have come to discover over and over is that life happens however it is going to happen, it’s unexpected, fun, extremely painful, exciting, joyful, heartbreaking, and a constant learning experience. If this is the case how do we prepare for it, how can we know what choices to make, and which direction to take? This is where our internal compass comes in handy, also known as our core values.
What actually are values?
Values are what are most important at the deepest of your being; it is what above all else is the most important aspects of your hearts desire. Values are not about what you want to get or achieve; they are about how you want to behave or act on an ongoing basis. Values define how you want to treat yourself, others, and the world around you. There is no wrong or right value, and they vary from person to person purely cause as humans we are all different.
When I was 22 I was working my first ‘real job’ after studying Psychology. It was hard and stressful, I was promoted within the first year to management with my own team, who had their own teams too, looking back I still don’t know how I did what I did. I had moved to Newcastle for a boy and didn’t really know the area or people, and it was here that I first really learnt to lean into my values. I discovered I valued learning/ growing, adventure, fun, kindness, and compassion. My values were what kept me going in those early days working with extremely traumatized and high needs children and young people who needed to be shown their worth and deserved kindness, and care and fun. My values were also what helped me to realize that my early 20’s needed more of my own fun, adventure, and self kindness so that I was less of a stressed out workaholic. My values eventually lead to resigning and backpacking around Europe soul searching for 6 months.
Our values can help redirect us following experiences that disappoint or overwhelm us. Values are a safe lighthouse with a guiding light giving us hope again so we can see out into the dark and distance and find a place to recommence making plans.
Three different approaches to discovering your values
“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power.” — Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching
- Consider who you admire
Call to mind and consider 3 people that you admire in life. Spend a few minuets reflecting on what qualities you admire about them and why? If they have faced adversity or challenges in life how did they behave through that time? What are their strengths, and how do they manage their weaknesses? What do they do with their time, and what do you think others notice or remember about them? Use your answers to these questions to consider what you truly value for yourself.
- Consider your funeral
Now I will admit this may feel a little funny or sad, but stay with me, imagine yourself observing your eulogy at your own funeral. As people talk about you and your life what kind of qualities would you like other people to speak about, when they reflect on what you meant to them? What are the special memories and key moments they recall fondly about your life? This can be a really good practice to get clear on how you would like others to remember you, and what is really important to you.
- Consider a values sort
Look at the list of values below and read through them all. Cross out the ones that don’t immediately resonate with you. Try not to over think it and just go with your gut. Repeat the list review again leaving only the ones that you really connect with. Keep repeating this exercise until you are left with only 10 or so values. As you read over your list you might decide to combine a few of them together e.g. kindness/ caring or give the value a name that you feel personally resonates better with you, or you might add your own that isn’t on the list. Continue with this practice till you are left with approx. 5 core values.
- Acceptance: to be open to and accepting of myself, others, and life.
- Adventure: to be adventurous; to actively seek, create, or explore novel or stimulating experiences.
- Assertiveness: to respectfully stand up for my rights and request what I want.
- Authenticity: to be authentic, genuine, real; to be true to myself.
- Beauty: to appreciate, create, nurture, or cultivate beauty in myself, others, and the environment.
- Caring: to be caring towards myself, others, and the environment.
- Challenge: to keep challenging myself to grow, learn, and improve.
- Compassion: to act with kindness towards those who are suffering.
- Connection: to engage fully in whatever I am doing and be fully Present with others.
- Contribution: to contribute, help, assist, or make a positive difference to myself or others.
- Conformity: to be respectful and obedient of rules and obligations.
- Cooperation: to be cooperative and collaborative with others.
- Courage: to be courageous or brave; to persist in the face of fear, threat, or difficulty.
- Creativity: to be creative or innovative.
- Curiosity: to be curious, open-minded, and interested; to explore and discover.
- Encouragement: to encourage and reward behaviour that I value in myself or others.
- Equality: to treat others as equal to myself.
- Excitement: to seek, create, and engage in activities that are exciting, stimulating, or thrilling.
- Fairness: to be fair to myself or others.
- Fitness: to maintain or improve my fitness; to look after my physical and mental health and well-being.
- Flexibility: to adjust and adapt readily to changing circumstances.
- Freedom: to live freely; to choose how I live and behave, or help others do likewise.
- Friendliness: to be friendly, companionable, or agreeable towards others.
- Forgiveness: to be forgiving towards myself or others.
- Fun: to be fun-loving; to seek, create, and engage in fun-filled activities.
- Generosity: to be generous, sharing and giving to myself or others.
- Gratitude: to be grateful for and appreciative of the positive aspects of myself, others, and life.
- Honesty: to be honest, truthful, and sincere with myself and others.
- Humour: to see and appreciate the humorous side of life.
- Humility: to be humble or modest; to let my achievements speak for themselves.
- Industry: to be industrious, hard working, and dedicated.
- Independence: to be self-supportive and choose my own way of doing things.
- Intimacy: to open up, reveal, and share myself- emotionally or physically in my close personal relationships.
- Justice: to uphold justice and fairness.
Kindness: to be kind, compassionate, considerate, nurturing or caring towards myself or - Love: to act lovingly or affectionately towards myself or others.
- Mindfulness: to be conscious of, open to, and curious about my here-and-now experience.
- Order: to be orderly and organized.
- Open-mindedness: to think things through, see things from others’ points of view and weigh evidence fairly.
- Patience: to wait calmly for what I want.
- Persistence: to continue resolutely, despite problems or difficulties.
- Pleasure: to create and give pleasure to myself or others.
- Power: to strongly influence or wield authority over others, e.g. taking charge, leading, and organizing.
- Reciprocity: to build relationships in which there is a fair balance of giving and taking.
- Respect: to be respectful towards myself or others; to be polite, considerate and show positive regard.
- Responsibility: to be responsible and accountable for my actions.
- Romance: to be romantic; to display and express love or strong affection.
- Safety: to secure, protect, or ensure safety of myself or others.
- Self-awareness: to be aware of my own thoughts, feelings, and actions.
- Self-care: to look after my health and well-being and get my needs met.
- Self-development: to keep growing, advancing, or improving in knowledge, skills, character or life experience.
- Self-control: to act in accordance with my own ideals.
- Sensuality: to create, explore, and enjoy experiences that stimulate the five senses.
- Sexuality: to explore or express my sexuality.
- Spirituality: to connect with things bigger than myself.
- Skilfulness: to continually practice and improve my skills and apply myself fully when using them.
- Supportiveness: to be supportive, helpful, encouraging, and available to myself or others
- Trust: to be trustworthy; to be loyal, faithful, sincere, and reliable.
What now?
Now that you hopefully have a short list of 4-6 values, write them out, put them in your notes, give them space in your day that allows you to remember and reflect on them. Take a moment to think about your life, your relationships, your employment, your health, and your hobbies and consider where you are living a life that is guided by your values, and whether there are any parts that might be out of alignment.
Pull this list out when you are making decisions about how you want to live, and what you want to do, and use it as a lighthouse for those moments that you need a little extra hope and guidance in life.
The light is within you.